...

I just found out a friend of mine jumped off a bridge last week. We thought he had just needed to cool off for a bit. They just found his body.

Now, my friends husband was brutally killed on Monday. He left a 1.5 year old son. I think I have no more tears, but they keep coming.

I binged SO MUCH! I had pop, chips(2 different kinds), cheese sandwiches, potato salad, jesus christ. I was just offered French toast, and I LOVE french toast, but I turned it down. I simply told everyone that I had eaten too much yesterday, and that I won't allow another bite.

May God help her family and that baby bohy.

I vow on my future and everything I value, I will prove them all wrong. I will be skinnier, more beautiful, and more fruitful than ALL of them.

Too much

I was just called a fat slob by my brother. He told me to go do some situps. Then he hit me. My wrist is swollen, and can barely move it.

I haven't eaten in 2 days, I swear I'm trying. It's just like the scale is not budging like I want it to. Maybe I'm doing too many muscle exercises? I keep failing even when I'm working so hard.

I ate a veggie burger 2 days ago, I KNOW that's what did it.

I've only lost 2.4 pounds. I'm never going to eat again.

I wish I could starve until I disappear. It seems like thats where everyone thinks I belong, nowhere.

Wish me Thin, sisters
zai

WOW!

No food yesterday, and I wake up this morning with a grumbly belly, but no real hunger! I swear to the heavens, it's like kicking a drug or gambling habit. Food is my weakness, but I've never really gone an entire day without eating. I feel so... strong again.

I felt my life spin out of control yesterday, and I now recognize what happened as a panic attack. I was rehearsing a song, and at the end I just burst into uncontrollable tears.

I feel like I can face today, now. I've at least got something under control and damn it I'm not giving it up


PSB
Zai

Rough Day...

Got some sad news, it's finals week, broke up with the boyfriend, and feel utterly miserable. It's been a sad couple of days.

But, I haven't eaten today...

you always have to look on the bright side, I suppose.

Pre-workout Food

I made an egg sandwich for my pre workout food. It contained:

1 egg - 70cals

1 slice of whole wheat high fiber bread(folded over) - 100 cals

A kinda big meal, but I need it to push through this work out.

Total for today = 231 cals

It's kinda early to be so high in cals, BUT I have school until 4.30 and I never eat during those hours.

Zai

Also, this can be totally disregard because it is not about Ana, I am disgusted with the handling of Osama Bin Laden. Our President proudly proclaims that justice has been served, when we really didn't have factual evidence that Bin Laden was to blame. There is no justice here, only revenge. When our motives become purely revenge, we all fail. I give my tears to those who have suffered through any acts of terror, be it from our government, overseas, or at home.

Peace, Strength, & Blessings

It is a bright, new beautiful day!

Thanks again for everyone's support. I would have not gotten through those intense workouts yesterday.

So, tonight i have to babysit my nephew. His Girlfriend is Somalian and they have the most amazing food there. BUT, I think I'll be ok. They have a lot of space, so I can exercise whenever I'm hungry.

I might have to up my calorie intake, but I'm going to try to eat more fresh veggies to make up for it. The amount of exercise and the little amount of food I ate, was starting to make me faint.

Yes...I almost cried tears of complete joy over that. Seriously. I love that feeling. It's such an amazing high.

So, today, I'm going to try my best to stick to 300 cals, but I don't want a trip to the hospital so soon.

Breakfast:

Nutritional drink shot- 26cals
Liquid Multivitamin- 25cals
liquid Vitamin B- 10cals

Total for 5.2.11 = 61 cals

239 to go!

Oh, and by the way ladies, get your vitamins in, even if you don't eat any food! It will keep your skin, hair, nails, and body functions working as optimally as possible.

You all are so strong and so beautiful.

Zai
One day I hope I'm strong enough to post a picture of myself. Maybe after I lose this 16.8 pounds?

4.5

Miles that is. To make up for my massive sliced bread intake. I swear it was as if I blacked out when I was eating it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so obsessed with food.

But, I jump on my bike, went to the track near my house and rode and rode. 1.2 mile track and I timed myself each time I did the whole thing. 5.32 was my lowest. Not too bad. It'll get better.

323 extra calories burned.

Z

PS

Thanks for all the love; as comments, posts on other blogs, and emails. You have no idea how I cherish that. :)

Zai

Binge Alerts! :(

So, I did it. I actually ruined the first day. I should have been stronger.

I was getting shaky and weak so I decided to have another boiled egg and slice of bread. Well, I should have left the bread out of the whole thing! I wound up eating 4 slices of bread plus the boiled egg and a frozen fruit bar. Then, my mother(whom I live with temporarily) asked me to try some of these pita crackers.

Sooo, that brings me to a total of 280(bread) + 78(boiled egg) + 200(pita crackers- I'm rounding up by a lot, I know) + 80 (Frozen Fruit bar) = 638 + 226 = 864 CALORIES. UGH!

You know what this means.

Cardio. Cardio. Strength. Strength! I've got to exercise and extra 1-1.5 hours today. Better start now to fit it all in!

I'm sorry I disappointed you. :(

No more food shall pass these lips today.

Z

This Starts Today.

<3 <3

Zai

Taken From Jen http://weejennyjensdiary.blogspot.com :)

Age: 23(24 in August olllllld!)
Height: 5'10.5
Weight: 196.8(though I haven't checked in a while. I'm going to wait until next week.)
Dress Size: 10/12
Highest Weight: 200
Lowest Weight (at height): 159
Goal Weight: 120, 115 is my ultimate goal weight
Favorite Diet Food: diet sodas, fresh veggies, high protein/low calorie bars
Favorite Binge food: CHOCOLATE
Favorite Exercise: bike riding, hula hooping
Favorite Thinspo: skinny little chicken legs and concaved tummies
Where Do You Slip Up: whenever I'm with my boyfriend :(


When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: When I was 8-9 years old, when I began my steroid treatments
Restricting/counting: Same time.
Does Anyone Know: Everyone knows I have food "issues" Only you guys know how deeply
You Want Help: I want help to have more control. That's all I've ever wanted.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: Some days 0, some days it feels like 1,000,000
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: someone who has beautiful features, but doesn't deserve them because I can't even control the food I put in my mouth
Are You In A Relationship: ...Kind of.
Are You Depressed: Sometimes
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: Yes.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: No, but I need to.

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat (never to my face though)
[x] say I’m skinny(It's just cause they are super fat)
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


APPEARANCE -
[] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses (contacts at the moment)
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my trousers rip(because I'm a fucking fat ass)


RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.


SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.(the most amazing kiss ever)
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.


HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants.(not prescribed. KILLS my appetite)
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[x] I’m at my biggest
[] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[] I weigh myself daily (not at the moment)
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[xx] I’ve taken diet pills
[xx] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged(I hate it, but I had no other choice. )
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion


I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes(don't really like them, but I did it anyway)
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[x] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[x] Speed
[x] Cocaine
[x] Other(you don't want to know. I PROMISE I'm not a druggie... I just experiment. lol)


[x] I keep my eating habits a secret from those around me
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo(I own books full of it)
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong


This was fun. It let me learn a little more about myself as well. Who's next?

Morphing

So, I'm watching my body morph. I've been kinda watching my diet these past few months, but I had fallen into the trap of the normal crowd. I swear on my future, I will never do that again. Anyway, I just noticed that my arms are much smaller than they were. My legs are shrinking and I'm starting to see some definition in my waist. This was after the workout I just did. Which was...

AMAZZZZZING! Zuzana kicked my ass, once again. Going for a bike ride in a bit to get some cream and sugar free iced coffee. That will be my post workout snack.

I feel so strong right now. I feel so light(even though I know I'm a FAR from my goal, I'm still not good enough to be too proud). I can't wait until I can start to see bone. :)

STRENGTH BEAUTY LOVE

Zai

On the Up & Up!

Alrighty! So, I've just eaten my breakfast & lunch. I had 2 boiled eggs and 1 slice of toast. That is 226cals which I am about to blast through with this workout.

I know how my body works. So, in order to lose weight FAST, I'm forced to eat small bits of food. I had to run and eat it alone. Even though I know to get through these workouts I have to eat a little bit, I'm still ashamed. I don't even like for people to see me chew. I look like a fucking pig.


Anyway, I'm going to start my workout now. Fill up my liter water body and give it my complete all!

Stay strong everyone. We can do this!

Zai

Oh, yes.

This is most definitely going to be a work out tomorrow.

I'm going to combine this with the other workout that I did. Add in some bike riding, studying, writing my papers, and hula hooping...


This is going to be a no/low calorie Saturday tomorrow! Check this one out:

INTENSE!!

Wow. That workout looks so much easier than it actually is.

So, I started with blasting my music and stretching and dancing around my exercise room(spare bedroom). When I felt I had warmed up, I started with the first set of exercises.

I could only do 3 reps.

I was POURING with sweat, but I had to keep going, so I did 3 sets of the next 2. I was dying. lol. So, I went outside and started hula hooping to take a break and regroup. It kept my heart rate up and burned some much unwanted calories.

Then, I went back at it and was able to do 5 REPS! I felt so much stronger! Then I stretched and danced again for a cool down. :)

I'm probably going to ride my bike later, just to burn a few cals before bed.

And thanks to that slice of bread before my workout- I am not one bit hungry.

Beauty and Strength all around!!

Zai

WOW.

I LOVE her videos. I'm going to be doing some of these specific ones right now. She's a bit too muscular in the arms for me, but you KNOW she watches what she eats and how she eats it.


 These exercises go beyond simple crunches and jumping jacks. These burn pure fat. Well... let's see how I do. I just ate a slice of bread + some multivitamins to give me some energy.


Nothings going to stop me from being strong and beautiful.

Z

Hard Ridin' and a Rant

Just had a really killer, but short workout on my bike. It was 2 miles, steep inclines, AND I as battling the wind. I thought I would have a heart attack by the time I got to the train. I LOVED it. :) I'm headed home now, where I can restrict in peace. My "boyfriend" is truly getting on my nerves. He's annoying.
Whatevs. He's always eating. And he's skinny (but ZERO muscle :( ) as hell too! And when he eats he always chomps with his goddamn mouth open and makes these weird moaning, grunty noises. It's fucking disgusting. And then, when he tries to kiss me, it's too wet. He kinda just opens his mouth and wiggles his wet, disgusting, food slurping, tongue around. He has small, lifeless lips, so all I'm getting is his fucking soaking wet, soagy ass tongue. I don't deserve that! I am an excellent kisser! AND THEN he like, leaves his spit trail all over my fucking mouth. YUCK!

I'm sorry.
TMI.
So, that relationship is going to be over soon. I do love him though. I care deeply about his feelings. Which is why I'll never tell him how I feel.
Regardless, he did some horrible shit to me anyway. He deserves all the pain he's going to get. I'll probably tell about that later on. He didn't cheat(that I know of), but it involves his fat(yes, MUCH fatter than me), greasy, acne scarred ex girlfriend. There is nothing worse than a fat person who thinks they are sexy.
Excuse me while I go through up.
Peace & Beauty
Za-Za

:(

So....yesterday was brilliant. I did eat though. Chinese was ordered and I had 4 shrimp. They had ordered shrimp fried rice for me, because I said I wasn't hungry. So, I pretended to eat. Didn't want to eat the vegetables...the were covered in oil. Ew.

Anyway, today is started off horribly. My boyfriend forced me to eat a muffin. I only ate half of it, but still. It was chocolate. I can feel my waste stretching outward.

 Ugh, I'm not going to think about it. Because if I do, I will relapse and start being a disgusting pig because of it. I will think of my coming future.

 I have a Summer Internship coming up at a big name school, here in IL. I will live on campus and work under some of the most amazing scientific minds in the country. And I get $$$! haha, definitely a plus well.
 
 It starts June 20th, and that is a little less than 2 months away. I'm going to try to be at 190-180lbs by then. I know I can do it. I know I can do more, but I don't want to have stretchy nasty skin. I wanna maintain my skin, its probably the only beautiful thing about my body.

 Anyway, it's so hard for me to stay skinny when I live with other people. When I'm on my own, I rarely ever think about food. I like it that way. So, I will live on campus and I want to lose 20# in those 6 weeks. I know I can do it.

That will be a 30-40# weight loss less than 4 months. I might, might, might be able to do 50# if I work really hard and stay true to Anna.

I will keep you updated. <3

Peace & Beauty
 Z

Haha!

I just dodged a food bullet! The boyfriend, who I'm probably soon getting rid of, asked me what we were going to have for lunch. I said, "I don't know. I'm not really that hungry." And he's like, "Ok, I'll just make a sandwhich then."

 YES! 12 hours without any food so far. :) This fast is going well.   



I am enjoying my hunger. <3 I think I'll go make some tea now.

 Peace & Beauty

Zai

It's a new day.... a new dawn...

But, I'm not feeling so good. This last month I've worked so hard in trying to lose weight. I've exercised, eaten right, and the scale has not changed. Today, I weighed 196.8 pounds. I will never, ever see that again. Luckily for me, I'm 5'10.5 so, it only looks like I'm 170 and not closer to 200. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I have no will power. But, I will from now on.



 My name is Zai(Zah -ee). You can call me Z, or ZaZa, or simply Zai, haha. I am a 23 year old college student, who has a love for music, the arts, and science. Strange combination, but those are my loves. I've always been chubby. I had sever asthma as a child and as given steroids for a long period of time, which resulted in a 40 pound weight gain from the age 9-11. WAY more than what I should have gained for my height. Then I had a growth spurt and it began to even out.


I feel as if I am decaying. I don't feel human or deserving of the talents that I have. I am going to change things and I am not going to let my weakness, this fat body, destroy me. I will prove to everyone, my parents, taunting kids in my childhood, EVERYONE, that I can be skinnier and more beautiful than *all* of them. And I am starting today.


 APRIL 29TH 2011:
I'm starting with a 24-hour fast, just to quickly clean my system out. I was forced to drink a small bit of smoothie this morning to prove that I was eating, but it sort of goes along with my fast. 

I am able to drink water, diet sodas(in case I need some type of 'food'), & teas. I ride my bike a LOT so if I feel faint, I will allow my self ONE small piece of fruit.


I deserve to be skinny. I deserve to see bone. God damnit  I WILL see it. Come along with me through my journey. I'll prove that it is possible to be almost 200pounds(a goddamn fucking disgusting cow) to my glorious goal weight of of 120. I know, I know, that GL is a little heavy, but I am very tall.

My next goal weight is 190.

Join me! We all need friends!

<3 Zai